Distress as a Doorway to Self-Love

I'm 51. I'm in the thick of perimenopause. I wake up often at 4:30 am or so.

I have a bunch of parts that have FEELINGS about that. Frustrated at missing sleep. Worried how it will affect me. Worried about whether I should take medications or change something more drastic. Sometime bored. Sometimes lonely.

Once this became a regular thing, I began to notice something compelling about that extra wake up. The awakening window (fun fact - officially called hypnagogia) is a time when I can catch my dreams. And if I can catch them, I can get close to an exile – those parts that I don't have access to in my waking hours that are buried in the subconscious and are impacting me with unfelt, unaddressed feelings.

As an IFS practitioner that spends significant awake time working with parts of my subconscious, and finding there are powerful and effective protectors that are not interested in letting me meet the most vulnerable parts of me without significant investment of time and attention, this direct connection is a bit of a miracle.

The other night, I awoke from a dream in which I was watching myself. Often, when I am watching myself, there is a part involved that uses dissociation as a protective tool. So, there is a part of me that was acting and other parts that were separated and watching.

Dissociation, in itself, is a normal brain activity. You may experience it when a speaker is droning on and you check out for a minute, or when you discover you misplaced something and you can't remember where you put it, or when you get to work and realize you don't remember the drive. It is also an amazingly helpful tool for when people are under extreme stress, like in an accident or during a sexual assault and they don't want to be there, but can't escape.

In the dream, a flirty, friendly part of me was interacting with someone who sexually assaulted me in the past. But it was as if that flirty part didn't know that had happened.

A part was very uncomfortable with the way the flirty part was acting, but it didn't have any control over my body. “Why would we behave this way? And what is my partner thinking?” the uncomfortable part was asking, “What must he think of me?”

In the dream, I had a friendly conversation with the guy and he told me he had found a large sum of money. A part was angry and thought he was lying and had stolen it. A part was confused about why a friend would be lying and what to do. My Self Help Guru said happily, “Oh! This is the guy who harmed me! I have a chance to confront him about it!” The Guru didn't have control over my body at that point either, but my brain was starting to put the pieces together.

When I woke up, a part was incredibly disturbed to have been dissociated. That feeling of watching myself, but not being able to control my actions was familiar and profoundly disconcerting. It took me back to many times when I felt out-of-control and intensely distressed. You could call the experience a flashback. I was having a hard time separating from the feeling of the dream, even though I was waking up. Luckily, I have done enough Self-work, that I had a moment of satori - I was able to awaken to the fact that it was a dream, that I was in contact with subconscious parts, and I could tend to them.

At first, I struggled to get my eyes open. I felt incredibly unsafe. I felt vulnerable, in danger, and distressed. A part felt powerless. A part was in a panic. I used the Somatic Experiencing tools of orienting to come to the present moment. I looked, in the dark, around the room, finding the ceiling, walls, doors and windows. I found the path to get out. I saw my partner that I trust and love, gently resting beside me. I felt the warm night air and the soft sheets and pillows on my skin. Softly, I said to the disoriented part, “I am here now. I am safe here. That guy was a long time ago.”

All of that gave me enough orientation (re-asocciation) to get out of bed, got my journal and pen, and began to work with the parts – recalling the dream and writing it down.

I recalled (from the dream) that after the conversation with the guy from the past, my partner and I went to the front of a building. My partner was explaining that because of the upcoming video call I was scheduled for, we should stay and use the college's wifi for me to do the call.

I recall standing at the front of the building, not knowing what building it was or where we were. Not knowing where our car was or which car we had taken. Not knowing what day it was, what appointment I had, what time it was, who it was with, and barely processing what my partner was saying. I was profoundly disoriented and had nothing to mentally hold on to.

I followed my partner down to another parking lot where my mother was in the driver's seat of a car waiting for us. Again, I was profoundly disoriented. I didn't know why my mother was there, why she was driving, that she had been waiting, or how long she had been waiting. Why was I making her wait when she must be visiting for vacation? My partner went and got into the back seat.

I was inconsolable and felt terrorized. I was ashamed I was flirting with that guy. I was ashamed and frighted I was out of control of myself. I was ashamed and terrified of my disorientation. I couldn't bear to get in the car. I felt the animal impulse, like a wounded or dying cat, to crawl into a small, dark space like a box. I wanted to crumple to the ground. I didn't feel safe in the car. I didn't feel safe outside with that guy around.

With my awakened awareness, I went back to the dream and told my mom, “please wait” and told my partner, “come with me.” I went into the building and found a small room. Despite feeling ashamed, I asked my partner to hold me while I calmed down. I used somatic techniques in my dream to come back into my body.

Journaling further, I realized I was so far away from myself when I was assaulted, I didn't have any understanding what was happening to me at that time in my life. The part in the driver's seat was not connected to the rest of me. In the dream, it was as if the rest of my parts were able to get close enough to the one in the driver's seat when I was teen, they could see what was happening and begin to process their feelings about it.

I realized the feeling I had standing in the parking lot in that dream, was a feeling I felt countless times in my life, and through most of my teens – without access to discernment, choice, power, social expectation, orientation of space, time, memory, my body, context, my full emotions, or consequences.

For the first time I was able to really get the suffering of the parts that were outside the driver's seat. “Of course you were in distress,” I tell them from my Self-energy, “Of course you were out of your gourd uncomfortable not having access to all the necessary pieces to function in society! What do you want me to know about that?”

The parts gave me memories back of transferring to junior high and going from one classroom in a day in elementary to 6 or 7 in middle school. I remembered standing in the hallways at passing period, feeling like I did in the dream parking lot – no access to time, space, memory, context...not knowing which class to go to, where any of them were, what they were studying, what was due...

How miraculous I made it through. What wonderment I survived it. What tenacity they had to continue to do life with next to nothing, sometimes, to hold on to. I was able to tap into so much love and understanding for their hardship. So much love and understanding for their experience. So much compassion for their suffering.

They are just beginning to allow themselves to let in my love. They softened enough to let me catch a few zz's before the next day started and I promised we would spend more time in the coming days, weeks and months.

I am awed and grateful. This is the miraculous, if unwanted, gift of perimenopausal sleep disturbance + Self-awareness.

May you use your difficulties to get closer to your own wounds and bring them love.